Well, the verdict is finally in.
The accused: Vijay Singh, his golf career hanging in the balance.
The accusation: That he used Deer Antler Spray, which contains the Human Growth Hormone IGF-1, in order to boost his performance. Performance Enhancing Drugs in Golf, you ask? Indeed.
The decision: Singh has been cleared of any wrong-doing.
Why? Well, it seems IGF-1 really needs to be injected to have any effect. Also, it needs to be taken in larger doses than are present in a bottle of Deer Antler Spray.
So, why was Vijay Singh using it? Well, it would seem that Vijay Singh was drinking the modern day sports equivalent of Snake Oil. He is guilty of nothing more than being gullible. Or so it seems.
The verdict does little to shed light on Singh’s improbable success in his later career. Singh has won 22 tournaments since turning 40. Compared to just 12 tournament wins before that.
Just how is Vijay Singh getting that edge?
The ridiculous hours of preparation he puts in before, during and after golf tournaments? That can only account for so much.
His natural talent? Well, that accounts for a lot too.
His years of experience? Yes, OK…well…dedication, talent and experience. OK, so maybe he’s just a good golfer who deserves success.
Anyway, given the clamour of negativity that has surrounded Vijay and the repeated references to his shady past, Golf’s governing bodies have reached agreement on a package of ‘perks’ to compensate Singh for recent accusations.
The package of incentives will include:
- Vijay is allowed immediate entry to the European Seniors Tour. (He’s eligible anyway)
- Vijay can park his car wherever he likes at tournaments. (No change there)
- Vijay can be as rude as he wants to be with sports journalists. (No change there either)
- Vijay is now entitled to 3 Mulligans per round at all Majors, PGA and European Tour Events.
- When Vijay shouts “Mulligan”, one of the other golfers in his group must go and fetch the ball.
- The other player in the group not responsible for retrieving Vijay’s balls must replace Vijay’s divots.
- If Vijay’s ball lands in a water hazard, this is to be considered an act of God and he will not be penalised for it. He will be allowed a drop at the point nearest the hole.
- Vijay may ground his club in the bunker. But only if he opts not to tee his ball up on the sand. Oh, we should have mentioned… Vijay may now also use a tee in the bunker.
- Vijay will now be allowed to compete in the Ryder Cup. He will be allowed to compete for Europe, the U.S.A, or he may create a team of his own.
- Vijay will also be allowed to compete in the Walker Cup.
- Blackjack rules now apply to Vijay when he competes in the World Matchplay Championship. In the event of a hole being halved, Vijay wins.
- Vijay may carry 15 clubs in his bag and a chainsaw. The chainsaw may be used to clear a line to the hole if Vijay should find himself in the trees and out of Mulligans.
- In the event of a golf tournament encountering situations of fading light, play will continue for all players with Vijay being issued with Night Vision goggles and infra-red golf balls.
- In order that Vijay not endure any penalties for slow play, golfers playing with him will now have 10 seconds to play their shot upon arrival at the ball site. 60 seconds will be added to Vijay’s shot clock.
- Par for Vijay will now be 74.
We wish him the best of luck in the future.
Update: Well, Vijay apparently hated the package he was offered and decided to sue the USGA instead. Really Vijay? Really?